We don’t talk about these words often, especially in the military community. When we did mention them in the past, the advice was always the same:

“Drink water. Take Motrin. Change your socks.”

What we realize now though is just how damaging that approach can be. We realize that by hiding our issues and not seeking help, we’re actually doing a major disservice to both ourselves and everyone around us. Clayton Still, a former Army soldier and current Regional Director of Military Affairs with Power Home Remodeling, is here to change that. He has been through the wringer on more than one occasion. He made the same mistakes we all made, but has since found ways to manage those emotions and lean on those around him for support. In the past few years, Clayton has also demonstrated the power of vulnerability. He’s shown that by telling others what you’ve gone through, it creates a space for others to feel comfortable doing the same. With that in mind, let’s dive in.

Alrighty, brother. Mental health — It’s something you and I have been discussing a lot lately, but I don’t know how much that’s happening elsewhere. Now you spent 6 years in the Army with several difficult deployments. You share the transition story of many veterans where you fall on your face a few times before finding your stride. Can you talk to us a little about the struggles you faced along the way mentally?

Sure, man. Though we should probably start before the Army. When I was really young my biological father left –like he took all the money and he left my mom, sister, and I really out to dry. So my mother had to work her f*cking face off to provide for us, to be a role model and attempt to be a father figure. Then she remarried and I very quickly attached myself to who she married because I hadn’t had a male figure in my life and that’s what I wanted. He turned out to be one of the worst human beings I’d ever met. There was a lot of abuse –physically, mentally and even sexually — and that’s something that really tormented me for almost my entire life. It really warped a lot of my mindset and I struggled with that for a long time. The struggle to have validation, and to do things for other people to make them happy or proud. We had to do things that we didn’t want so that we didn’t get the shit beat out of us.

I struggled to let people in.

“I remember just blowing up and not wanting to live anymore.”

I had never talked about any of it and couldn’t tell my mom for multiple reasons, but that warped a lot of who I was.

Then when you transition into the military you’re faced with really difficult things, but there wasn’t room or space for vulnerability. When things happen to you, you just gotta push it down. You’ve got to carry on. You know? It’s like that ‘suck it up and drive on’ mentality, which is what I had to do my entire life. So I was good at it, but again, it was a facade.

Wow, man. That’s a lot and I really appreciate you sharing that. Unfortunately, I know that the tumble down the rabbit hole continues even after the military. Can you talk to us a little about some of the struggles you’ve faced in your transition and since then?

Sure. When I got out of the military, I had a pretty big ego. I felt like the country owed me something because I served. I had leadership experience. I had combat leadership experience. I had been through a lot. I was injured overseas. I felt like I could be a better leader than most anyone at any company, and the reality is that I was wrong. I was searching for the title, the pay and the schedule. What I should have been looking for the entire time was the same thing that I valued from the military, you know? Those profound things: The right team. The right group of people. The right culture. The ability to serve a greater purpose. Instead, I was focused on being a victim. It was always everybody else’s fault. It didn’t have anything to do with me, but, in reality, it had everything to do with me. It was my mentality that needed adjusting.

Then I finally found Power in 2014. In my first 90 days, I lost four family members and found out that my father –my mother’s third husband, the man that raised me to be who I am today, and the person I consider to be my dad, had cancer. From there, I had some personal health issues that took me out of work for a few months. Eventually I found my stride and found myself at a leadership conference in Orlando. However when I got back, my father was in the hospital again.

He was set to go home on a Thursday, and on that same Thursday he had a seizure and coded at the hospital. They brought him back and he ended up going on a ventilator. Ultimately, our family had to make the decision per his wishes to not keep him on a ventilator to live. That meant losing the man that taught me to be a man. It really shook things up for me in an incredible way. I miss him and I wish he could see some of the things that our family’s experienced since we lost him, but ultimately that moment for me was the catalyst to really fixing my mindset.

What an experience. I’ll never forget being on that call with you, and then you were getting all those calls from your mother about him being in the hospital. It was early on during my time at Power and it was the first time I’d witnessed our people taking care of each other. Talk to me a little bit about how you’re viewing that struggle now and how you got to that point. 

The crazy part is that’s not the end of the adversity. Regardless of what the struggle is in my life or anybody else’s life, the reality is adversity is always going to happen, but we have to understand and recognize that it’s another opportunity for us to grow and it’s another opportunity for us to rely on the people around us. I think in large part the reason that I got through that year, and the next year, and the year after is because of our team. If it weren’t for Mike, James, yourself and a few other people that were close to me, I don’t think I would have gotten through that year.

And I think in large part, like for a lot of my adult life, my mentality sucked because of my thoughts on happiness. I had defined happiness as giving people what they wanted. And that’s not what happiness is. Happiness is being able to simply enjoy life with a peaceful mind that’s not constantly craving for more. Happiness is the inner peace that comes when you embrace change and really look internally to stare some of those demons down to take back the power they once had.

That’s something I learned from my dad. Great things always begin from the inside, and I really had to face the demons that I’d been carrying for, frankly, my entire life. I needed to understand what being a man was and really start to unpack some of those layers so that I could become the man that I’ve always wanted to be and that I always could have been. I think a lot of times when things happen to us, or when we’re going through things, we focus on trying to change the external factors, but the reality is you can’t start to grow and evolve until you look internally at yourself.

‘If you break an egg by an outside force, it dies. But if it’s broken by an inside force, that’s truly when life begins.’

I’m in a place where I’m okay with what happened because those life events are not what define me. What defines me is how I respond to it.

“What defines me is how I use those experiences to help other people.”

Such wise words. Okay, so clearly you’ve found a few things that may work well for you when dealing with some of these demons. Would you mind sharing a few?

Yeah, I think the first thing is the more that you talk about the experiences, regardless of how daunting or how bad or how traumatizing they are, the more you’re able to naturally give those things less power. I was taught to keep my emotions in and not talk about them. I was taught not to burden other people with my struggles. I love you boys to death and I’d do anything for you and I know that you guys would do anything for me, but the reality is, you can’t help me if you don’t know what I’m going through. So, my advice is to share those experiences with those whom you trust.

I think the other thing is I was taught that men don’t go to therapy. And one of the things I’ve learned in the last few years is that real men f*cking go to therapy. We’re supposed to try to be the popular guys we see on Instagram or in the movies with their great physical health, but the reality is if your mental health isn’t where it needs to be, none of the other shit matters. So for me, I HAD to go to therapy in order to no longer hold onto things I’d been holding onto for 30 years.

On top of that, being able to express gratitude is really helpful. Every day just sending a text or calling somebody and just telling them why you’re grateful for them. I’d also suggest yoga, breathing exercises and meditation, and lastly getting a group of people around you that truly care about you and that you’re willing to be your authentic self around. That means sharing the good shit, as well as the shit that keeps you up at night.

Usually I close these by asking if you have any advice for our readers, but man, you just laid down some valuable methods of improving your mentality. Is there anything else you’d like to share before we close?

Actually, two things: 

Throw away right now the idea that healing is forgetting. The memories we have about the things that we’ve gone through in life are still there. And in a lot of ways, like, for some of the shit that I went through in my life, those memories are always going to be there. The real win is no longer reacting to the old triggers with the same intensity as before. They don’t have to have the same power over your mind that they did before.

The second thing is a concept from Kyle Carpenter, the youngest living Medal of Honor recipient. He coined the phrase

“You’re worth it.”

I think a lot of times when it comes to mentality, overcoming adversity, mental health and post-traumatic stress, we don’t feel like we’re worth it so we don’t put in the effort. We don’t put in the same fight that we should, and you know for everybody that reads this article, just know that you’re worth it. You’re worth fighting through the demons, and your past, and the struggles to have the best life possible and I would just encourage people to fight for the life that they want, and not stop until they get to where they want to be.

Of course you’d end on a quote from Kyle Carpenter haha. Clayton, I really think your story is going to be helpful for a lot of people in our community and I sincerely thank you for sharing so much with us today. 

There’s so much to learn from Clayton’s story but here are a few of the main takeaways:

• Adversity is something you can count on. Expect it. Don’t let it rock your world when it comes.
• Your traumas do not define you. What defines you is how you choose to respond.
• Healing does not mean forgetting. Those traumatic memories may be with you forever. Healing is no longer allowing those triggers to have the same power over you that they once did.
• Don’t keep everything to yourself. If others are going to be able to support you, they have to know what you’re facing and that only happens when you’re vulnerable with them. Talking about those experiences removes their power over you.
• Go to therapy. Many of us have viewed therapy as something for the weak of mind. Nothing could be further from the truth. Physically fit people go to the gym. Mentally fit people go to therapy.
• You. Are. Worth. It. We’re so quick to sacrifice time and effort for the sake of others, but when it comes to our own health we often don’t feel like we are worth the time spent. Let’s clear that up right now. You are worth putting in the work it takes to manage the demons you may be facing. You’re worth the effort. You’re worth the sacrifice. You’re worth fighting for.

If you are looking for a welcoming community where you can be your best self and work through your own development come learn more at PowerVeterans.com.